- “It makes sense that you feel like you feel and you are in a place of nothingness and hopelessness based on how long you’ve been traumatized. I wonder if you had some extended moment of contentment in an early age, but that may be already shrunk within you” – said my psychologist.
- “No, I haven’t had that moment at all in my life” – I said.
- “What do you mean? Can you maybe recall that you had or hadn’t?”- she asked.
- “My mom was hit by my dad for the first time when I was 2 weeks old…” – long pause…
- “So no, I haven’t had any single time in my entire life where I could feel safe, content, and loved for an extended time” – I added.
The word PTSD was spoken out loud on July 5th, 2019. Almost 38 years after that incident.
I have lived all my life structuring it so “perfectly” around protecting those who I loved and myself. It hurts every day more and more realizing what patterns, behaviors, and strategies I developed to feel safe! …and still not feeling safe as an adult!
I remember the first time being asked how would I like to feel in my body and answering right away “SAFE”. At that time, this word made me shiver. I felt scared, cold, amazed, shocked and curious.
Today I know why. Or I may know why….
The introduction to my book describes the vision I received a coupleof days after that question and it is so true now. It is even truer to my heart now than it was when I first wrote it.
What does it take for a child to feel safe?
Why does a child need to fight or work hard in order to keep herself safe?
Even more, how brave that girl was to develop behavior so unique, so perfect, so strategic and logical to keep herself and her loved ones safe. Safe from a cruel abuser. An abuser who didn’t care at all how the little girl felt while looking at her mom bleeding from the physical abuse, and not being able to get up.
I remember a million times jumping right in between his hands and my mom’s body or face. I was brave. I wasn’t afraid at all.
Or… actually, I was afraid. I was afraid of not being able to FULLY protect my mom or siblings. And the goal of my life was to make sure they are safe.
Today the journey into the renewal of 38 years old woman starts.
- Is it going to take me another 38 years to feel fully safe?
- Is it going to be a long process to feel unconditionally loved?
- Or am I going to push everyone and everything away because I am afraid of being not safe before any healing can happen?
How powerful is that word, and how powerful is the emotion behind it.
Today the mental, emotional and spiritual overwhelm is unbearable. Today there is darkness. Blackness. And nothingness.
Tomorrow might be brighter, who knows!
All I can say today is:
“It’s about time… to finally discover that little girl with all her dreams, joys, innocence and innate rights to be safe and loved.”
My prayer today is:
“Dear Beloved, may I find hope in every day. The hope that will keep me breathing.
All I ask is to keep me alive so I can find that next breath to move and keep moving.
You know what direction I need to be moving. Give me hope as a lantern, and guide me on this path I’ve never known that will appear in front of me!
Please keep me safe while walking!”